DO I KNOW MY SELF? (part 1)

Even in the most simplest terms I consider this to be a hard question, but I wish to take this to a very deep level that will open up a messy can of worms. Over the years, for various reasons, I have been on a mission of self-discovery. Some may dwell into this for scientific or philosophical reasons, others out of pure curiosity. Some may be content with themselves and find no need to want to know any more about who they are. Some may be afraid to venture into self-discovery because of what they might find. I was not given a choice in the matter, for if I did not look inward my life would have remained in continual crisis. Am I unique in this desperation? I think not, but believe that for most this is not a life threatening issue. Let us look into what I have uncovered in my quest to know my self.

First off I think that it is important to understand and agree on the meaning of two words in the question. The following are, what I believe to be, the relevant definitions as found at dictionary.com.

“know“ - verb (used without object)
- to have knowledge or clear and certain perception, as of fact or truth.
- to be cognizant or aware, as of some fact, circumstance, or occurrence; have information, as about something.

“self“ - noun
- a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality: one's own self.
- a person's nature, character, etc.: his better self.

“self“ - philosophy
-the ego; that which knows, remembers, desires, suffers, etc., as contrasted with that known, remembered, etc.
-the uniting principle, as a soul, underlying all subjective experience.

When applying these definitions, I have an opinion that lets me answer the question most definitively. Do I know my self? NO!

Why do I answer no? It is my belief that what we have self awareness of is really only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what constitutes the self. The vast majority of “self” (as defined in the definitions) lies almost entirely in the subconscious. In fact it is my belief that the subconscious is more of who I am than the conscious/aware part. The conscious is merely the ambassador, emissary, or policeman between self and the world (reality out side my being). From what I remember from reading Freud, he looked at this in a similar way. The definition of “know” seems to put it under the category of conscious awareness. This is why I answer no to the opening question. I can not consciously know my subconscious (that’s why its called the subconscious!).

Some of the bigger questions that now come to mind, and let me continue on my self-discovery quest, become -
How much can I know?
Is there a clear line between conscious/subconscious?
Is there a way to effect parts of subconscious and change them fundamentally (not just control them)?
Can I know enough to be content and accepting with myself?

THE FOLLOWING SERIES OF POSTS WILL CONTINUE THIS IN DETAIL

GOD'S WILL GETS A BAD RAP!

Why does God's Will always get a bad rap? I am not the worlds greatest religious scholar, but I feel a need to come in defense of God as I understand Him. Being involved in church and also recovery groups, I hear people a lot of people talk about the Will of God. Most times what I hear pisses me off. I don’t know how many times I hear people talking about all of the pain and suffering that they go through in their lives (mostly self-inflicted) and they say that God put me through all of this to help me become a better person. They say it was His Will that they go through all of this crap. Or I hear that it was God’s Will that my 5 year old son was killed by a drunk driver, or that it was His Will that two planes flew into the Towers. They try to face all of this tragedy by saying it was His Will. Bullshit!
It is said that God can due anything, that nothing is impossible for Him. I don’t believe that. Sure God can do almost anything - like part the Red Sea, feed thousands with trinkets of food, bring people back from the dead, be the Trinity, live outside time, or turn me into a giant banana right now, but there is One thing that He can’t do. Even God can’t do both of something that is mutually exclusive. That means that if He says it is THIS OR THAT, it can’t be THIS AND THAT. Your probably wondering what I’m getting at.
His word states that every human has been granted free will. He could have imposed His Will on us, but He wants us to come to Him by our own choice (our own will). Because of this Divine Decree, there are things in this world that are IMPOSABLE for Him to do. Almost all of the pain and suffering in the world, including in our own lives, is allowed by God (because we have free will), but is not His Will for us. If it was all His Will this would be a much happier place. But, if He were to prevent most pain, suffering, tragedy in the world, He would have to intervene in a way that would undermine our use of free will. If He prevented people from doing bad things (by mistake or on purpose), or softened their outcome in any great way, we would not be able to come to the conclusion that we need to turn to Him
Don’t get me wrong and think that I’m saying all bad things are all our own fault. Natural disaster happen for reasons only God knows. I’m just trying to make the point that everything bad that happens isn’t Gods Will. The good thing is that God is there even in our pain and suffering. He can take a bad situation (that is our own fault) and turn it into something to help us and give us strength and wisdom. Our bad times are usually the best times because we can turn to toward God and learn to rely on Him. I’m sure that God would prefer that we would come to Him without having to go through all of the pain and suffering we put upon our selves, but He gave us free will. The choice is ours on how we exercise it!

PERSONAL CHANGE (Digital vs. Analog)

Being in the situation that I was in with my life, I understood that in order to survive I had to change a big part of the person that I was. It is a tall order and I spent many years attempting it and failing miserably. There are many aspects involved in successful change, but here I want to discuss one personal stumbling block that took a long time to overcome. Once I was able to see this flaw in my understanding of how to change, I was able to experience some true progress. I’ve never heard of this idea mentioned in readings, or hit upon by other people in any direct way that I have been able to identify it with. I call it digital vs. analog change. Let’s see if I can explain it.
My first attempts at change I now call digital. Basically it involves doing an inventory of ones character, attitudes and behaviors, then making an assessment as to what parts are good and what are bad. Note that this assessment was not only based on my own view, but relied heavily on others to be more objective. [I’ll talk about the trouble with self-assessment in another blog] Since my goal is to change into a better person (one not crippled by the bad stuff and using good stuff to live a better life), I turned my personal inventory into a ledger. The bad stuff I would diminish or eliminate and the good I would increase or introduce. With this accounting I had a path to change.
Many doctors who work with behavior modification or other such help groups feel that this alone is the winning formula all by itself. By turning the bad to 0 and the good to 1, a map is laid out that can put you on the right path. At first the new structure for living seems un-natural to you (cause it is!), but over time your behavior is modified by repeating the new structure over and over again. You get reprogrammed and the new structure now seems natural and automatic to you. Digital way of change (simply adding and subtracting individual “bits”) does seemed to be effective for many. I will be the last one to shoot it down, but for me I needed more.
Although this technique seemed to make sense in my first years attempting real change, they always led to failure ultimately. The early results always seemed promising and was convinced, even after repeated failure, that I just had to refine what I was doing. What I realize now is that many times one can be fooled into thinking that real fundamental change is occurring when instead it is only superficial at best. Now I admit that my problem in this area might only be relevant to me, there are many people who can attest to the fact that I may be the most suborn human who ever lived, but I believe that in some regard the insight that I am about to give will be useful to others.
For me I needed a way not to add and subtract bits, but to find a way to smoothly transform each element in an indivisible way. I call this analog change. Only through a perceptually seamless transition could I truly have real insight (a fundamental paradigm shift) into accepting and living as the new me. I could not become a different person in leaps and bounds (even small ones), it was the complete and uninterrupted journey that led me to true transformation. A bad habit could not be cut out of me and a good behavior substituted in. The bad habit had to fade and become unpalatable as the good behavior simultaneously had to fade in and become attractive over the bad habit. It is this seamless transition that gave me real fundamental change that was not programmed in, but realized.
I don’t know if people follow what I’m trying to say (experience is relative), but I hope that maybe I gave some people new things to ponder. I don’t want to make this post any longer by more explanation, but feel free to comment and ask questions.